Dashed Expectations

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 3:43 am 
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Alrighty internet people. Steg here with an RP the likes of which you have seen before! Adventure! Sailing! Plundering! Waiting for people to post! EXCLAMATION POINTS! All that and more in what critics are calling "the most unscripted and downright slow" thread of the year!

We begin our story from behind. Because this is the back of it. This is the backstory. It's like we're talking about the past in the present!
Long ago blah blah blah things I haven't thought of yet blah blah blah TREASURE! But not just any treasure. Ohhh no no no! I'm talking about the Faucet of Late Adolescence. Imagine, if you will, a fountain from forth springs water that returns the youth of those who would drink of it. A fountain of youth, if you will. Except it's a faucet and cuts you off at nineteen.

Legend tells that the Faucet was hidden by the gods (selfish rulers) so that no mortal man (peasant) could use it for ill will (not dying). The temple housing the Faucet was said to be indestructible (a rock failed to chip it once), and its entrance was locked by three gods (three kings from three ruling families). The keys to the temple's doors were divided among the three, who scattered them across the land.
(In a strange turn of events, the kings died before any could return to the temple; one to disease, one to a duel, and the third was murdered. The keys, whose true purpose was unknown to family members, were sold or lost. Memories of a temple that housed a forbidden fountain faded into legend as time wore on.)

TOO LONG DIDN'T READ: Three selfish kings found a youth-restoring fountain, built a temple around it, locked it up, died, and nobody found the keys to the front door.


Hundreds of years later, our tale takes place...
YOU WANT TO BE A PIRATE! You! Yes, you! That is probably why you're here, at least. But to be a pirate, you have to have a boat. And as boats are expensive and your pockets moth-ridden, you'll have to settle for finding someone who has one. A pirate captain, if you will.

So, you want to be a pirate, but have to find a captain to sail under. If only there was a captain looking for crew...



Gallius 5th, 1205 DC
High-noon


"Welcome to the Crusty Spittoon. How gruff are ye?" a bouncer asks.
"How gruff am I? I'll have you know I scaled the Aggro Crag," replies a smug woman.
"So?"
"And I never had to deal with bouncers there. Move it!" the woman demands, shoving the bouncer aside. She walks over to a booth in the corner, accompanied by a much shorter girl. The gruff, taller woman is a red-headed beauty, whose carries herself with an air of confidence with each stride. She wears a dark grey cloak, black leather boots, and a rapier at her side. Her green eyes survey the room, ordering drinks before she even gets to her seat. She slides into the booth first, throwing her gloves onto the table. This is the infamous Caitlin Kil De'Moore, captain of The Prancing Devil.
Sitting next to her is her first-mate and renowned inventor Sota. She brushes a strand of her spiky, messy green hair out of the way of her spiral-designed spectacles as she pulls a notebook out of her satchel. "Today, I'm sure," she nods, flipping to the first blank page. "I'm sure we'll find someone who can fit your low standards." A waiter delivers their drinks then, looking nervous as he walks away.

Caitlin smiles, raising her mug to her lips. "Aye, we shall. I just hope Uptown doesn't prove too much of a hassle for them later today..."


So...You want to be a pirate. You have followed Captain Kil De'Moore to the Crusty Spittoon, a rather popular hub for the local scum. Captain Kil De'Moore is looking for crew, and you think you've got what it takes. There's just one thing.
"How gruff are ye?"

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 4:26 am 
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"God, yes, I'm gruff enough! Stop questioning me!" It was just one thing after another in the life of Jeffrey P. Tallywhacker, known in some circles colloquially as The Living !#%$, and in others as Mister Return to Sender. First his wife left him, then she took the kids, then she informed him that she'd had the kids with the mailman who she'd been seeing for every day since their marriage ceremony, and then it turned out that none of those things had actually happened and it was all a result of the experimental hallucinogenic sponges he accidentally bought at the town square from a shady man in a yellow trenchcoat back when he was finishing college and had used when he had taken a shower, which - upon reflection - explained why he always felt so wet throughout the many years he had been married to a lie. It also explained why he'd never gotten his bachelor's degree and why he had, to the best of his recollection, been living in an outhouse out behind the local playground. It probably also explained why there was an old bar of soap in his pants. That one he honestly wasn't sure he wanted to dwell on for any length of time.

That would have been bad enough except, when he had wandered back to the apartment he remembered living in through a haze, located somewhere in the local ghetto for sea otter people, because you could never trust the Ottermen Empire and its heathenous, shell-cracking spawn, he found that it had been rented out and eventually sold to a couple who he had been initially convinced were Ottermen, until he eventually realized they were just plain hairy and unsightly. Laughing at them had gotten the crap kicked out of him and probably several bones broken before he wandered off in a fog of pain and burst blood vessels.

So now he needed a job, but unfortunately no place was hiring, save for the rumors on the street that some pirate woman had walked into a local bar and was looking to recruit. It could have been the end of his sad story, save for the part where a bunch of small children mugged him at jump rope-point (which you might think was not threatening until you yourself have been whipped repeatedly in the crotch with one of those handles) and stole everything except the shirt off his back, which they wrote multiple incredibly demeaning things on with a jaggedy pencil the little !#%$ urchins had probably taken from a trash bin that he could only hope was also the source of their food supply.

And now, as he dragged himself towards the bar, there was some !#%$ omniscient stupid narration that was questioning if he wanted to be a pirate? If he was gruff? "I AM THE GRUFFEST SON OF A !#%$ THERE EVER WAS! GRRRRRRRR! I WILL BEAT UP AT LEAST NINETY PERCENT OF ANYONE WHO WISHES TO CHALLENGE ME!"


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 10:00 am 
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Slipping past the bouncer in the commotion caused by good ol' Grumpy C. Druggywhiffer over there, the Woman of Entirely too Many Jackets entered the scene. A bright yellow jacket that's sleeves hung over her hands, a vibrant red jacket that was tied around her waist, and a dark blue jacket that she wore as a bandanna on top of her head all adorned her body. Also, I guess she had long black hair, rather tanned skin, and jeans that may or may not be shiny, but those things have disturbingly little to do with jackets, so who even cares?

Having masterfully undermined the pub's security (see: casually walked in as a crazy hobo raved like a lunatic), she scanned over the room, looking over the various patrons. As her eyes finally landed on the living opportunity known as a captain and her crazy-haired buddy, she nodded to herself, cracking a subtle smile as she sidled her way on over to their table, sliding into one of the chairs as if she had belonged there all along.

Moving her right hand over her chin as if she were heavily considering something, she peaked on over at the good captain and laid out her proposition: "How would you like a charming assistant with an array of talents, skills, and good looks to boot?" she asked with utmost severity, carefully awaiting an answer before continuing.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 11:31 pm 
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Caitlin raised an eyebrow, looking at her new guest. "Yes, I would be interested in such a person," she began, raising a finger in the air. "However, your friend over there..." Caitlin pointed at the rabid, downtrodden man who was yammering on about his mighty gruffness, "...I don't think he's got that talent part down. He is quite charming though, I must say."
She leaned forward real low then, bringing her hand back down on the table infront of her. "Listen Sleeves, why don't you give me a quick summary of these 'talents and skills' you claim to have?" Sota brought out a pen then, already scribbling little notes about Madame Long-Sleeves.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:32 am 
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Jacket Woman chuckled a bit at that reply. "Yes, of course you'd like someone like that. I mean, who wouldn't?" she said, leaning in closer and lowering her voice before continuing on with, "However, I'd rather not sit here wasting both our time, so instead of filling out a resume, how about I show you something much more concrete I can offer that, without fail, trumps all those things any day?"

With that, the woman stood up from the table, quickly scanning the area around them, and went to a nearby table and snatched a drink right out from under a man's nose. "What a gentleman, buying a drink for me." she commented before taking a nice big gulp, "Not nearly as strong as I would've hoped, though."

As one might expect, the man was slightly less than pleased with this. It didn't take him long to stand up and brandish a knife towards the woman completely over-prepared for a spring breeze. Before the man could make another move, though, he suddenly found himself launched a foot or so into the air, his jaw getting smacked up with a loud chunk, followed almost immediately by a much, MUCH louder blast, resounding through the entire bar as the lower half of the man's face suddenly found itself flying through the air in various bits.

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The metal-armed woman then turned back towards Captain Killy, fist-pumping her robotic arm in the air, causing the two barrels of the gun to slide down and then back up with a chu-chk.

"A shotgun." she finally finished.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 3:53 am 
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The bar patrons grew quiet, a few showing their un-gruff side as they ran out of the place. The rest went back to their business, as things like this were more or less a day to day thing. The bartender, however, quietly slunk to the phone behind the bar.
"Well !#%$ girl, you know how to swoon a woman!" Caitlin grinned, leaning back against the cushion of the booth. "Sota,take care of Sleeves." The short girl nodded, sliding out of the booth as Caitlin got up from her seat. She then marched over to the bar, ordering more drinks whilst Sota went over to the shotgun toting lady.

"Saw it coming a mile away," Sota said dryly, pulling a clipboard and contract out of her bag. "Standard form. You receive payment when-" a sneeze "excuse me. We are not responsible for any accident or injury, fatal or otherwise, so on and so forth." She twirled pen in hand, tapping it lightly against the woman's robo-arm. "You do your own repairs on this?" she asked, tilting her head as she handed the pen and clipboard over.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 11:01 pm 
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A woman sat in one of the booths, nursing a small glass of what appeared to be a blue, slightly smoking drink. She wore a deep purple robe, covering her face with the hood. The front of her robe was slightly open, revealing slightly casual clothes. Her arms had some markings on them, and she had a peculiar tattoo on her forehead, more like some kind of marking, barely visible under her hood and her hair.

She shook her head at the nonsense that had just occurred, returning to her drink. She was more engaged in what appeared to be a small piece of a torn, faded, ragged map. She slowly ran her hand over it, and the details of the map lit up slightly. She leaned to the left slightly, copying the map down on another map, filling in the missing spots, making notes on some of the details.

This was it. She knew that this last piece of map was going to lead to one of the greatest archaeological finds ever. But more importantly, it would lead to one of the last remaining untouched magic deposits in the world. She looked at the finished map, and rolled it up, tucking it into a small bag in her robe. She looked back at the patrons of the bar, frowning. She had a map, but no way to navigate the seas. She needed to...

She then sipped her drink again, looking back to the idiots yelling about being gruff and joining a crew. Yes, this would work. She scanned the bar, and her eyes settled on the Captain. And then she did a little spit-take.

God !#%$ not HER. She pulled down her hood and continued to try and be inconspicuous.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 11:23 pm 
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Through the haze of his despair, Jeffrey observed the feat of horrible and pointless brutality that occurred.

Holy !#%$. Whoa buddy. I mean...look at that? Can we maybe evaluate that in more detail?

He looked over at his shoulder, wondering where the voice was coming from. Oh, there's nothing there.

Yeah. Invisible voice in your head. Sorry to break it to you like this, but you're probably insane. Apologies.

Oh, is that all? I thought I was dead! Jeffrey laughed to himself. And then kept laughing for a while. Anyways, strange blue disembodied voice in my brain, what's all this about evaluating?

Look, I know what you're thinking. Life sucks, you've had a really terrible day, you were married to a drug-fueled figment of your imagination. It happens to all of us. There's no need to sign up for a life of brutal buccaneering and become a blight upon the world because of it.

Yo dawg, !#%$ that !#%$. Blow it all up!

Um...

Make that definitely insane.

Oh, right, carry on. He laughed again.

Yo man !#%$ all that blue !#%$ talk. Don't wanna be a blight? Goddamn man, are you stupid? Look at that word! Blight. Really feel it. It !#%$ rhymes with alright. And tight. As in goddamn all this booty I be gettin is tight. You dig where I'm at, dawg?

Uh huh.

No! That's not even a rational argument! Who cares what it rhymes with?! You know what else rhymes with bright? Fight! As in, all the horrible violent fights that are going to majorly !#%$ up your life.

Heh. He said !#%$.

Really now. Really. Really? We're going down that route, hmm? ...Don't listen to him, pal, he's going to lead you astray.

Yeah, dawg, astray onto the giant pile of !#%$ that's gonna be waiting on that pirate boat! Haven't you read anything about pirates, bro? They're practically swimmin' in !#%$ and money all the time. In the Pirate Bible, I'm bettin' like half of the pages are like 'Get ye some !#%$ and money all up in this poopdeck!'

No. For your information, I haven't read anything about pirates. For that matter, neither have you. Or him. You want to know why? Because we have collectively been in the debilitating grip of shroom-based shower products for a period of time that I am not rationally prepared to think about because of the last round of poor choices that has consistently characterized our life. And furthermore-

Hey, guys, this is getting a little complicated. Can you just save the arguing for later? I'm gonna go break that really big wine bottle over there over the bartender's face and stab him in the groin with the broken pointy end.

Oh, alright, just make sure to have fun while you- WAIT NO

And with that Jeffrey was off to the races, if by racing you mean staggering through several broken ligaments and his general all-consuming sense of depression over towards the bar, where he turned to a gentleman holding an extremely large wine bottle (actually a jug), mumbled out, "I'll have one of that," and snatched it from his hands, placing in return a bar of soap with some incredibly suspect hairs on it. He crooned out, "Hey barkeep, how much is the going rate for a pound of flesh?!" After uttering these words of wisdom, he turned to another guy, glared at him, and broke the jug over his immaculately pompadoured face, promptly thereafter snatching his drink, and chugging it. With a vigorous sigh of approval of the beverage, which was for show because it tasted like !#%$, he said, "I think I've made my p-"

You dumbass!

Cut off, he turned awkwardly in the direction of the recruiting pirate lady. What? I thought you were the one who-

That wasn't even the bartender at all.

Oh. Well. Um.

High five, !#%$!

And so Jeffrey epically high-fived the space next to his head. Yeeeeeeeeah!


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 3:26 am 
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A woman walked into the room, and there were two things most people noticed. In fact, some didn't even notice the second thing. However, it was certainly noticed in this order.

1. She was rather well endowed. Even people who normally did not stare at women felt their eyes compelled to land upon her chest.

2. She was a demon. Rather obviously so, with skin as red as blood and horns as black as soot.

From these features, one might gather that this wench was a seductress. One might even call her a succubus. This was only partially correct. Despite her appearance, mentally, she was more a kin to a regular girl. She hated how anytime she walked by a man, or the occasional woman, they would begin to cry out, "Oh no, a lusty succubus is trying to make me bed with the devil. Oh noooo," as their pants would conveniently fall off. When she tried to ignore them, all she heard were hushed and desperate whispers of 'Pleeeease.' For reasons such as this, she decided that she would try her hardest not to show an ounce of skin on her body. From then on it was only the most covering of sweaters and long skirts. However because of her netherworldly affliction, this never stopped the kind of unwanted attention she attracted.

So here she is, in a bar full of people compelled by her devilish charms in front of a violent budding pirate crew, trying to escape the attention she is surrounded by now more than ever by fleeing from land to sea.

This strange, otherworldly woman puts a foot on a chair and the swish of her skirt causes one thousand hearts to pound and when she rolls back a sleeve of her sweater and holds her arm out as if to show off muscles her petite frame could never hide people to stare at that exposed skin and hoping there is more where that came from. Visibly, anyone not effected could tell she was nervous and shaking. She stammered as she spoke, afraid for her life, "A-arrg. I-I'm the g-gruffest p-pirate girl a-around."

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 4:23 am 
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"Oh, yeah." Sleevey McGee replied to Sota, "I made this thing, I literally know it inside and out, works wonders, and yeah, I'm not about to complain about health risks of all goddamn things as a pirate. Name's Cevell, by the way. That's with a "C," not an "S," and two "L"s." she pointed out, quite literally, as she tapped her finger on the clipboard with the corrections, a very smug look on her face.

It was at that moment that Cevell noticed that nervous succubus woman over there. Sticking two fingers from her considerably-more-organic hand in her mouth, Cevell let out a loud whistle, firing her shotgun-arm into the ceiling in excitement, fist-pump-reloading it once again. Sliding on up to the demon, not unlike how she slid up to the Captain, and put her metal arm over her shoulders, snapping her fleshy hand as she spoke, "Damn, girl, you are looking fiiine." Cevell looked the girl up and down, apparently quite pleased with what she saw. "So, what brings a..." she began, giggling a bit before being able to continue, "...gruff individual like you to a place like this?"


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 4:46 am 
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If her face were not already red, it would be. She looked to the floor and tried not to freak out. Oh god that blast probably drew even more attention. And when lady-folk give a man's attention to me, it seems to put all those men in even more of a rut. There's got to be something I can do... I'll just answer her question for now I guess...

"I'm just a pirate looking for adventure on the high sea," She said weakly, "Arrg."

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:09 am 
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Caitlin looked the succubus up and down, taking a moment to sip her beer. She turned away suddenly, waving her hand in the air. "Look at this green-horn. I haven't seen anyone this nervous since my uncle had lunch with my mother and I." Looking back at the girl, Caitlin stepped towards her, leaning down to meet her eye to eye. "Listen kid, you don't have what it takes. Not yet at least," she frowned, hesitant before continuing. "Still, a succubus would be useful. We can manage around your...mmmm...lack of confidence." She leaned away, jabbing her thumb at Sota. "Talk to her. And for !#%$'s sake; don't disappoint me."
A clipboard quickly found its way into the succubus' hands as Sota examined the creature girl demon monster woman charmer thing. "I'm assuming you'll be needing a private room? Strange." She shook her head, moving herself between Cevell and the gruffest of succubi. "Remember to fill out any special needs at the bottom. I don't have the time to figure this all out at the moment."

Suddenly and without warning, Caitlin was behind the insane man. "You're lucky the succubus walked in when she did, or I'm sure your face would be full of glass. I can already tell you're a time-bomb all set to go off." She poked the side of Jeffery's head, giving him a stern look. "You did a fine job giving that waste of space a new face, though. If you're looking for a ship, we'll cautiously take you in." Caitlin stepped back, swishing her bangs out of her eyes as she took a gulp of her drink. "It's like I'm taking anyone who talks to me." She wandered off to some odd corner of the bar then, mumbling about how she was going to regret all these new hires sooner or later.
"When was the last time you had a psychological examination?" Sota's voice piqued up beside Jeffrey, who found himself suddenly holding onto a clipboard. "For that matter, when was the last time you had a medical examination?" Biting her lip, she moved away from him, rubbing her nose.

"Now what do we have here?" Caitlin smiled, a glean in her eye. She fell into a seat at the robed woman's booth, grinning at her. "I'm sorry, have we met before? I bet we've met before." She tapped one hand on the table while making circles around the rim of mug with the other.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:19 am 
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Cevell giggled some more at that response, nearly snorting as she tried her best to hold it back. "That's..." she started, letting out another small giggle, "...that's great, hun. And you've already got the job, apparently, congratulations. However, as she said, you're... a little bit of a wreck, so take this." With that, Cevell slammed the drink she had stolen earlier down in front of Hellgirl. Despite her previous comment, it was actually some pretty strong whiskey, having quite the pungent smell. "You need it a Hell of a lot more than I do." she finished, being unable to keep back another giggle.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:28 am 
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The girl quickly and quietly filled out the form. Since when do pirates do paper work? Though she doesn't know !#%$ about that since shes not actually a pirate SHE MEANS IN THIS REGION, SHE RULES MANY OTHER SEAS, SHE SWEARS.

The name on the paper said Alicia Pirateus McGruff.

Yeah, seems legit.

After she handed back the clipboard and looked at the drink set in front of her.

She didn't want to think what might happen if she drank too much. She never drank much especially not around other people, at least, not anymore. Though she also did not want people to think she was not much of a pirate. After all, real pirates can handle their liquor and they drink all the time. She thought. So I'll have to suck it up and prove my worth. Alicia slammed back the drink and then made a disgusted look as she felt the burning sensation in the back of her throat and then began going into a fit of coughing.

"It's great," she said.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:37 am 
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The robed character looked at Caitlin, looking a little more than aggravated. She then sighed and leaned back a bit, sipping her drink. "When I heard you were coming back into port to pick up some more idiots to get killed, I cursed my luck. Of course, the one time I decide to come out of hiding to try and find..." The woman stopped herself, then sipped her drink again, looking away from Caitlin. The light hit her face better, and Caitlin could clearly make out who it was behind that cloak.

The woman turned back to the Captain, sighing. "Might as well just get it over with. I had no intention of going back to my cave anyway, the people in town were going there to burn me for being a 'horrid witch.'" She sighed, putting the glass against her head. "I really wanted to avoid you after the whole incident with..." She sighed again, putting the glass down. She looked at Caitlin and tapped her finger on the table.

"I get a first mate cabin, you don't touch any of my magic books or go through my bag, and that little monster you keep around stops trying to apply science to my magic." She finished her drink, then raised her finger. "AND. You don't mention any past relationship we may or may not have had, that may or may not have resulted in you having magical burns for a week and me being cursed with awful luck on the full moon."

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 6:02 am 
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Cevell let out yet another giggle. God knows why, there is clearly absolutely nothing funny about any part of this situation. "I'm sure you'll fit in just fine, hun." she finally said, settling down a bit as she wiped a tear from her eye, patting Alicia on the back with the heavy metal hand. "Oh, I'm sure this'll be quite a night." Cevell went on, this time to no one in particular, as she drank from a second drink she had apparently stolen when no one was looking.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:26 pm 
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"Fine, but you have to keep your magical mitts off of my belongings - and my father's things." She lifted a hand behind her head, opening it as a clipboard quickly came her way. She gave a feint smile, putting the clipboard on the table as she slid it over to the girl. "We have a deal?"

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2013 6:56 am 
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The woman stared at the paper, and made a face. "As much as I will regret signing this contract, I suppose I have no choice." She ran her hand over the paper and her name appeared in glowing blue ink for a second, before turning a jet black. Miharu. She looked down at the paper, expecting it to burst into flames or start bleeding, and was happy neither of those things occurred.

She then sat back, looking at the rest of the crew members. "You could have spent 5 more seconds actually looking for a decent crew, you know."

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 6:24 pm 
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Whoo, alright! Moment of destiny right here, dude! Random violence succeeds again!

Sigh.

But I only did random violence today. I am fairly certain I have lived a life of little random violence, unless we're talking the kind that someone inflicts on me.

...Right. Well, whatever broseph, let's just sign that !#%$ and get our life of piratey !#%$ goin'!

Siiiiiiiiiiigh.

What is it, twinkletext? Got somethin' to say, then say it. Our main man over here is gonna be the King of the Pirates! Or...you know, some !#%$ like that. Khan, Emperor, Grand !#%$, I'm not gonna judge whatever they call it when you're the pirate with the biggest !#%$.

Sorry, I'm just busy over here being overwhelmed by shame. No need to mind me. By all means, just sign the form. I can see this is a lost cause.

Your mom's a lost cause.

Um, guys?

I... But... Neither of us have a mother. That wouldn't make any sense at all.

Well there you go. Lost cause.

Hrrrrrgh.

Guys?

Dododo do do. Another one bites the dust. Dododo do do. Another one bites the dust.

But I haven't even lost. You just made an entirely nonsensical statement and then decided that you won based on your own arbitrary termino-

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD

Guys!

WHAT

What

I can't concentrate on signing this form if you keep arguing like that. Could you, like, keep it down or something for a bit?

What? Argument? No, he started it by behaving like a-

HAHAHAHA LOOKIT ME OVER HERE. DEBATE CHAMPION REDTEXTIMUS DOMINATING THE AZURE ASSF-

"Shh shh shh..."

And so Jeffrey, having silenced the voices in his head out loud, bit on his lip slightly, holding the pen in his hand which he would use to sign the clipboard of DESTINY! Actually it felt pretty cheap, so it probably wasn't so much destiny as foamboard or something like that. I mean, unless destiny was foamboard, but that would actually be a pretty depressing existential thought to- Right. Signing. Form thing. He felt the scrutinizing eyes of God on the back of his neck as if some cosmic force was infuriated with his delay in signing away his freedom, soul, and right to not be stabbed in the face.

But what name should I sign? I mean, I gotta reinvent myself, right? This is the time to be a new me, the best me I can be...or at least a me who hasn't been living next to a toilet for months. WAIT. I'VE GOT IT!

He looked around the room slowly. Alright. There was a flickering neon looking F in the corner of the bar. If you said F, it sounded like... right, right. And then there was a stingray over on the corner of the wall, mounted, with a look of abject terror on its face - Huh, didn't even know stingrays had emotions! - but you couldn't very well call yourself stingray. But you could use ray! Then there was the some scratches in the wood over where he was sitting, like some sort of...of...tally! Right! But that needed something else too, didn't it...? There were a few pieces missing that would make it a name. ...Yes, everything was coming together. A name was just flowing through his mind to his fingers as he wrote down on the sheet.

He glanced down.

Jeffrey P. Tallywhacker.

...God damn it.

He scratched it out hurriedly and in rough font scratched out quickly in its place:

Brosephus Stingray Patrickson.

Perfection.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 1:20 am 
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"Perhaps, but where would the fun in that be?" Caitlin smiled, looking at Miharu's contract. "Surprised?" She lifted the mug up to her lips, closing her eyes in momentary meditation before finishing her beer. With a shrug she rose from her seat, stretching her arms far above her head. "I think we can play nice just this time."
Meanwhile, Sota had quickly snatched up the contracts, wrinkling her nose at most of them. "And I thought my alias was bad," she mumbled, stuffing the clipboards into her bag. Turning her head, Sota nodded at Caitlin, pointing to the bar. "I believe the authorities will be arriving soon, ma'am."
As Caitlin strode behind the bar, the sound of a megaphone could be heard out from outside. "This is Sergeant Hanson of the Uptown Militia!" the voice boomed, catching Caitlin's attention. "We know you're in there, Cutthroat-Kill-More!" Wait is he snickering? "Give up peacefully or be taken by force."
"For !#%$'s sake is it really him again?" Caitlin moaned, leaping over the counter. "I'm getting tired of the !#%$ poser and his !#%$ nicknames." She snatched up the bartender in one hand, dragging him across the counter and knocking over all the drinks. "Kill More. OH SO ORIGINAL!"
"Cutthroat is new though," Sota observed.
"Cutthroat is new and somewhat appreciated, yes. Sota, toss me somethin' for this fine barkeep." Sota rummaged through her bag, lifting a small bomb from her pouch. "No no no," Caitlin sighed, shaking her head. "I'm thinking something more...more festive!" Sota reached into her bag again, pulling out a bright red and yellow firework. "Yes that please now." Caitlin snatched the firework from Sota's hands, stuffing it into the bartender's mouth...

"I won't warn you again," Sergeant Hanson spoke into his megaphone, "give up while you still can." Silence. He lifted his brown tricorn off his to fan himself. The Sergeant was a man in his early thirties with short black hair and a long brown trench coat with the sleeves rolled up. He placed the hat back on his head before scratching at his light stubble, having not shaved in a couple of days. He looked at the man on his left, nodding towards the building. Just as the man went to move forward, however, the Crusty Spittoon's bartender came flying out one of the front windows. The bartender laid in the dirt motionlessly covered in glass and alcohol. "Somebody grab him," Hanson ordered, dropping his megaphone. "The rest of you get ready on my signal." Before he could give anymore orders though, the bartender decided it was time to cease living. A loud pop signaled his exit from the world, his body quickly finding itself becoming one with bright red sparks and flames. "!#%$."

Caitlin laughed to herself, leading the latest additions to her crew out the back exit. The explosion she just heard meant their pursuers would be scrambling for just long enough for them to walk away. "So here's the plan," she began, looking over he shoulder, "we need a few things before we can get going. So we're going to have ourselves a little raid. By that I mean you guys are violently getting supplies for me. Or subtly. Whatever gets us things." She marched on, tapping her finger on her chin. "Less'e...Sleeves and Skirt, I want you two to swing by the bank for me. Get us as much as you can get into this bag." Caitlin then tossed a couple of gunny sacks at Cevell and Alicia before continuing. "Sota, you take Marbles and pay a visit to the grocer. Get whatever non-perishable foods you can. And oranges. I neeeed a lot of those. Lucky for us, the grocery store and the bank are across the street from one another. We'll all meet in the crosswalk when we're done."

---

The group walked for a good twenty minutes as their surroundings took a drastic change from downtrodden ghetto to middle class suburbs. Little trees were planted periodicly to the side of the road, which was actually paved on this side of town. To the amazement of all the authorities had yet to catch up to them, which seems a bit odd when you think about it. "Welcome to Uptown. It's the upper-middle class side of town. Your destinations are just around the corner. And remember: have fun. You're pirates now. You're expected to be a menace to society. Do be quick though because we are in a hurry." Caitlin came to a sudden stop as a man could be heard on the other side of the street. A priest stood off to the side of the road, preaching something about some god of creation or some-such. An unreasonably large white temple was behind him. "Miharu, you go with whoever your little backpack desires. Me, the loose cannon, the nervous wreck; I don't care. As for myself," she put her hands together then, mimicking someone praying, "I have been a bad little girl and have to pray for my sins to be forgiven." She then walked off towards the church.

"Off we go then," Sota nodded, pushing up her glasses. "Just around the corner we go."

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:52 am 
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"Ooh, being a menace to society, that's my specialty!" Sleevell Cevell said in a devious voice, rubbing her hands together. "C'mon, hun, we have work to do." she went on, grabbing Alicia's hand with her own robotic hand and pulling her along towards the bank, stopping just short of the front doors. Rubbing her chin inquisitively, she stared intently at these doors for a moment, considering the duo's options carefully.

"I got it!" Cevell suddenly shouted, pounding her organic hand with the robotic one, leading to her shaking the former in pain. That aside, she turned towards her curvy partner as Cevell removed the blue bandanna-jacket from her head, revealing frazzled hat-hair underneath. Holding it up as if she were about to place it on her partner, Cevell looked Alicia up and down once again. "Christ, woman, I didn't notice before, but you're modestly-dressed and still producing more bones than a dog treat factory. You've sure got some crazy levels of style, but that's just going to make this more difficult." she said, raising an eyebrow and recoiling her head, looking honestly impressed. After another moment of looking Alicia up and down, Cevell just tossed the jacket over her partner's head, covering both it and the majority of her upper torso.

"No, that still won't do..." Cevell thought to herself, surveying her precise handiwork. "Going to have to double our efforts." she muttered to herself, now untying the jacket around her waist, quickly grabbing her pants, visibly struggling to stop them from falling. Because clearly a jacket makes a perfectly reasonable belt. Maneuvering carefully with her loose pants, Cevell tied the second jacket around Alicia's legs, essentially extending her skirt for as much as could be managed with the jacket, being sure to make the jacket's knot nice and tight.

Cevell stood back once again, studying her mastercraft of fashion, this time nodding in approval. "Alright, hun, this is where things get difficult--for both of us. I need you to waltz right into that store all casual-like--you shouldn't attract any attention with how you look now, I'm sure of it. Once you're in, wait about 15 seconds or so, and then flash your goods--that is to say, just move the jackets from your face and legs--so I can blast my way into the back, then as soon as you hear it, make sure to cover yourself again. Then you just wait for my signal, you should see me behind the tellers, and to repeat this on my signal. You'll know it when you see it. Should work like a charm, I've yet to see any security system that can't be trumped by this gun." Cevell explained in a hushed tone, flexing her robotic arm at the end there.

"Got it? Of course you do, you'll be fine, hun, let's go!" she went on to say, not giving any time for response as she gave Alicia another friendly pat on the back with her robotic arm before quickly waddling away around back of the bank, still struggling with those pants.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 4:31 am 
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Dark blue was all she could see.

Alicia stood there draped in jackets with out being able to get a word in edge wise. Alright, waltz right in. You can do this. You're a pirate now. At this point, she realized that her legs were pretty much tied together. In order to move, the demoness began hopping into the bank.

For the first time in her life, she was stared at for how she dressed instead of how she looked.

She stood in the center of the room with all eyes on her before she even removed the jackets. This draped woman grabbed the curiosity of all of the banks patrons, all wondering what this wench was doing. Things already weren't going according to plan and she didn't even know it. Alicia waited fifteen seconds exactly like she was told before she threw off the night colored blanket covering her face. What was then revealed to her was the mystified gathering just waiting to find out what is even going on. O-oh god. She hopped back in surprise and fear at the leering crowd. The girl slipped on the back of the coat causing it to tighten further around her legs as she fell backward to the ground.

It was a little over fifteen seconds into her first heist and she had already been caught.

By herself.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 5:59 pm 
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As Alicia fell, the back door of the bank blasted open with a sharp BANG. The residents of the bank, fortunately, were indeed distracted by Alicia's... cunning work. Even the two guards right by the back door were distra-- wait, no, that one wasn't-- okay, a quick fist-pump and another bang and there was nothing to worry about. Tip-toeing her way over, Cevell sneaked around the back, looking it over carefully. The sneaking was a bit awkward as she still waddled around with those loose pants, but she managed.

That's when she found it: just through a doorway in the back. Thing was much more enormous than she expected. Giving it a good knock as she placed her ear next to it, she determined that yes, indeed, this thing was pretty thick. Oh well, don't know if you don't try, right?

Peaking back out the doorway, Cevell was confidant that everyone was still thoroughly distracted, then proceeded to take off her pants. Things were getting annoying anyways. Regardless, she waved the pair in the air, making sure they were well above the heads of the tellers so that her partner could see the signal.

A pause.

Noticing that it was still quite apparent that everyone was still, indeed, as distracted as they'd ever be, she ducked back into the room, fist-pumped once again, and BANG. That... dented the safe. That was progress, right?... They're still distracted, right? Yes. Okay.

BANG.

No?

BANG. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

Yes. The safe was thoroughly open, now, to say the least. As Cevell looked upon the assorted paper money, gold, and bitcoins that were strewn out before her, she considered her options carefully. Then, tying up the leg holes, she stuffed the money into her pants. Still not satisfied, though, she tip-toed back, impressed at how distracted everyone still was, and stole the pants from the guard she had shot earlier, and used them similarly.

Now with two pairs of pants full of cash, all that remained was her valiant exit. She could just leave the way she came, but three things became apparent to her:
1. She had a sinking feeling that someone was going to notice what she was up to at the last second.
2. She still needed to get her partner out of the building before the poor girl got harassed, or worse.
And most importantly,
3. That would be boring.

Quickly surveying her surroundings, Cevell's eyes fell upon something of interest: the chandelier. No self-respecting bank could be without one, of course. What else better represented having more money than you could ever know what do with? But yes, it was perfect.

Her coup de grâce to this ingenious plot of subterfuge ready for initiation, Cevell slowly began to unzip her final jacket. It was do or die time.

Moving quickly before anyone could catch what was even under the yellow jacket, Cevell leaped on to the wall, bouncing off of it to spring high into the air, swinging her yellow jacket on to the chandelier before blasting its support, causing her to swing right down near Alicia, who Cevell grabbed with the robotic arm that was carrying the two pants' worth of loot, but they weren't stopping there, no. The momentum kept the duo flying, right out the door, the chandelier crashing into the front doorway, blocking it off and no doubt leaving it completely dysfunctional for however long it took the staff to convince the janitor not to commit suicide.

"I suppose I at least don't have to worry about people looking at me with you around, hun." Cevell admitted, already zipping up the jacket on her torso, albeit now it was the blue one. "Certainly has its conveniences." she went on, transferring the loot from her pants to the red jacket and slipping them back on. "But yeah, great work. Now we should probably get out of here before they remember there's a back door." she finished, now tying the yellow jacket around her waist.

Turning back towards her partner, Cevell finished by asking, "All set?"


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:24 pm 
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MY ASS

MY ASS

MY ASS

MY ASS


And then when she got over the hurt of landing on her ass after riding the chandelier out the door she began to think about what Cevell just said. Worry about people looking at her? Why? Is it because of her arm? Alicia stood up and brushed the dirt off of her skirt. "Lets get going," she said while already walking toward the meeting spot.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:24 am 
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Miharu had already left the area by the time the bank deal had gone down. She was on her way back to her cave, actually. She approached a solid cliff wall, and waved her hands. The ground she was standing on vanished, and she hovered down to the small cave that was buried under the ground. Quite a clever trick, she always thought. No one ever looked for "the horrid witch" under the ground. They always threw holy water on the wall, or whatever idiot priests do.

She walked into her modest cave, looking around at the various supplies and the wall of scrolls. She opened her bag, muttered a few words in another tongue, and a powerful vortex sucked all the items in the cave into her bag. She zipped it closed, and floated out of her cave, sealing the entrance behind her.

She headed back into town, seeing the two idiots dancing in front of the bank with their spoils, and shook her head. She wasn't looking forward to this crew, at all. She put a finger to her lip, and smiled softly, remembering someone who owed her a favor.

She headed over to Ye Olde Smithe, and shoo'ed the only person standing there out, locking the door behind her. She walked over to the counter, smiling at the girl who was standing there. The girl frowned at Miharu, taking the time to flip her off before leaning over the sword she was repairing and inspecting it for any warping.

"Aw, Cas, don't be like that. Come on, you know you love my visits." Cas snorted, a small puff of smoke escaping her nose, before she flipped the sword on its side, inspecting the sharpness of the blade. "Cassssss, guess who is in town!"
"I honestly could give less of a-"
"Its Caitlin!"
"Oh." Cas lowered the blade, frowning even harder. "I don't really like her. At all, actually."
"Aw, I know Cas. But, she tricked me into joining her little Pirate party. And, I was thinking..."
"No."
"CASSSSSS, COME ONNNNNN-"
"No." Cas started hammering the blade again, ignoring Miharu's whining. Miharu waited until she dipped the blade into a trough full of water next to her before starting up again.
"Cas, come on, you LOVE adventure!"
"And I hate that little she-beast, see how that works?"
"Cas, come on! I don't want to be alone on this trip..." Cas turned to Miharu, sighing.
"Not only do I not want to go with you, but there is barely any way you could get me to change my mind about her. If you can find a way to convince me before you have to leave, then whatever. But I will gladly give YOU and only YOU supplies you need."

Miharu left the shop pouting. 'Well shoot,' she thought as she turned to look around the plaza, 'now what the hell do I do?' She pondered, sitting next to the shop, just what her next move should be.

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