Dashed Expectations

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 3:43 am 
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Alrighty internet people. Steg here with an RP the likes of which you have seen before! Adventure! Sailing! Plundering! Waiting for people to post! EXCLAMATION POINTS! All that and more in what critics are calling "the most unscripted and downright slow" thread of the year!

We begin our story from behind. Because this is the back of it. This is the backstory. It's like we're talking about the past in the present!
Long ago blah blah blah things I haven't thought of yet blah blah blah TREASURE! But not just any treasure. Ohhh no no no! I'm talking about the Faucet of Late Adolescence. Imagine, if you will, a fountain from forth springs water that returns the youth of those who would drink of it. A fountain of youth, if you will. Except it's a faucet and cuts you off at nineteen.

Legend tells that the Faucet was hidden by the gods (selfish rulers) so that no mortal man (peasant) could use it for ill will (not dying). The temple housing the Faucet was said to be indestructible (a rock failed to chip it once), and its entrance was locked by three gods (three kings from three ruling families). The keys to the temple's doors were divided among the three, who scattered them across the land.
(In a strange turn of events, the kings died before any could return to the temple; one to disease, one to a duel, and the third was murdered. The keys, whose true purpose was unknown to family members, were sold or lost. Memories of a temple that housed a forbidden fountain faded into legend as time wore on.)

TOO LONG DIDN'T READ: Three selfish kings found a youth-restoring fountain, built a temple around it, locked it up, died, and nobody found the keys to the front door.


Hundreds of years later, our tale takes place...
YOU WANT TO BE A PIRATE! You! Yes, you! That is probably why you're here, at least. But to be a pirate, you have to have a boat. And as boats are expensive and your pockets moth-ridden, you'll have to settle for finding someone who has one. A pirate captain, if you will.

So, you want to be a pirate, but have to find a captain to sail under. If only there was a captain looking for crew...



Gallius 5th, 1205 DC
High-noon


"Welcome to the Crusty Spittoon. How gruff are ye?" a bouncer asks.
"How gruff am I? I'll have you know I scaled the Aggro Crag," replies a smug woman.
"So?"
"And I never had to deal with bouncers there. Move it!" the woman demands, shoving the bouncer aside. She walks over to a booth in the corner, accompanied by a much shorter girl. The gruff, taller woman is a red-headed beauty, whose carries herself with an air of confidence with each stride. She wears a dark grey cloak, black leather boots, and a rapier at her side. Her green eyes survey the room, ordering drinks before she even gets to her seat. She slides into the booth first, throwing her gloves onto the table. This is the infamous Caitlin Kil De'Moore, captain of The Prancing Devil.
Sitting next to her is her first-mate and renowned inventor Sota. She brushes a strand of her spiky, messy green hair out of the way of her spiral-designed spectacles as she pulls a notebook out of her satchel. "Today, I'm sure," she nods, flipping to the first blank page. "I'm sure we'll find someone who can fit your low standards." A waiter delivers their drinks then, looking nervous as he walks away.

Caitlin smiles, raising her mug to her lips. "Aye, we shall. I just hope Uptown doesn't prove too much of a hassle for them later today..."


So...You want to be a pirate. You have followed Captain Kil De'Moore to the Crusty Spittoon, a rather popular hub for the local scum. Captain Kil De'Moore is looking for crew, and you think you've got what it takes. There's just one thing.
"How gruff are ye?"

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 4:26 am 
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"God, yes, I'm gruff enough! Stop questioning me!" It was just one thing after another in the life of Jeffrey P. Tallywhacker, known in some circles colloquially as The Living !#%$, and in others as Mister Return to Sender. First his wife left him, then she took the kids, then she informed him that she'd had the kids with the mailman who she'd been seeing for every day since their marriage ceremony, and then it turned out that none of those things had actually happened and it was all a result of the experimental hallucinogenic sponges he accidentally bought at the town square from a shady man in a yellow trenchcoat back when he was finishing college and had used when he had taken a shower, which - upon reflection - explained why he always felt so wet throughout the many years he had been married to a lie. It also explained why he'd never gotten his bachelor's degree and why he had, to the best of his recollection, been living in an outhouse out behind the local playground. It probably also explained why there was an old bar of soap in his pants. That one he honestly wasn't sure he wanted to dwell on for any length of time.

That would have been bad enough except, when he had wandered back to the apartment he remembered living in through a haze, located somewhere in the local ghetto for sea otter people, because you could never trust the Ottermen Empire and its heathenous, shell-cracking spawn, he found that it had been rented out and eventually sold to a couple who he had been initially convinced were Ottermen, until he eventually realized they were just plain hairy and unsightly. Laughing at them had gotten the crap kicked out of him and probably several bones broken before he wandered off in a fog of pain and burst blood vessels.

So now he needed a job, but unfortunately no place was hiring, save for the rumors on the street that some pirate woman had walked into a local bar and was looking to recruit. It could have been the end of his sad story, save for the part where a bunch of small children mugged him at jump rope-point (which you might think was not threatening until you yourself have been whipped repeatedly in the crotch with one of those handles) and stole everything except the shirt off his back, which they wrote multiple incredibly demeaning things on with a jaggedy pencil the little !#%$ urchins had probably taken from a trash bin that he could only hope was also the source of their food supply.

And now, as he dragged himself towards the bar, there was some !#%$ omniscient stupid narration that was questioning if he wanted to be a pirate? If he was gruff? "I AM THE GRUFFEST SON OF A !#%$ THERE EVER WAS! GRRRRRRRR! I WILL BEAT UP AT LEAST NINETY PERCENT OF ANYONE WHO WISHES TO CHALLENGE ME!"


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 10:00 am 
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Slipping past the bouncer in the commotion caused by good ol' Grumpy C. Druggywhiffer over there, the Woman of Entirely too Many Jackets entered the scene. A bright yellow jacket that's sleeves hung over her hands, a vibrant red jacket that was tied around her waist, and a dark blue jacket that she wore as a bandanna on top of her head all adorned her body. Also, I guess she had long black hair, rather tanned skin, and jeans that may or may not be shiny, but those things have disturbingly little to do with jackets, so who even cares?

Having masterfully undermined the pub's security (see: casually walked in as a crazy hobo raved like a lunatic), she scanned over the room, looking over the various patrons. As her eyes finally landed on the living opportunity known as a captain and her crazy-haired buddy, she nodded to herself, cracking a subtle smile as she sidled her way on over to their table, sliding into one of the chairs as if she had belonged there all along.

Moving her right hand over her chin as if she were heavily considering something, she peaked on over at the good captain and laid out her proposition: "How would you like a charming assistant with an array of talents, skills, and good looks to boot?" she asked with utmost severity, carefully awaiting an answer before continuing.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 11:31 pm 
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Caitlin raised an eyebrow, looking at her new guest. "Yes, I would be interested in such a person," she began, raising a finger in the air. "However, your friend over there..." Caitlin pointed at the rabid, downtrodden man who was yammering on about his mighty gruffness, "...I don't think he's got that talent part down. He is quite charming though, I must say."
She leaned forward real low then, bringing her hand back down on the table infront of her. "Listen Sleeves, why don't you give me a quick summary of these 'talents and skills' you claim to have?" Sota brought out a pen then, already scribbling little notes about Madame Long-Sleeves.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:32 am 
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Jacket Woman chuckled a bit at that reply. "Yes, of course you'd like someone like that. I mean, who wouldn't?" she said, leaning in closer and lowering her voice before continuing on with, "However, I'd rather not sit here wasting both our time, so instead of filling out a resume, how about I show you something much more concrete I can offer that, without fail, trumps all those things any day?"

With that, the woman stood up from the table, quickly scanning the area around them, and went to a nearby table and snatched a drink right out from under a man's nose. "What a gentleman, buying a drink for me." she commented before taking a nice big gulp, "Not nearly as strong as I would've hoped, though."

As one might expect, the man was slightly less than pleased with this. It didn't take him long to stand up and brandish a knife towards the woman completely over-prepared for a spring breeze. Before the man could make another move, though, he suddenly found himself launched a foot or so into the air, his jaw getting smacked up with a loud chunk, followed almost immediately by a much, MUCH louder blast, resounding through the entire bar as the lower half of the man's face suddenly found itself flying through the air in various bits.

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The metal-armed woman then turned back towards Captain Killy, fist-pumping her robotic arm in the air, causing the two barrels of the gun to slide down and then back up with a chu-chk.

"A shotgun." she finally finished.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 3:53 am 
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The bar patrons grew quiet, a few showing their un-gruff side as they ran out of the place. The rest went back to their business, as things like this were more or less a day to day thing. The bartender, however, quietly slunk to the phone behind the bar.
"Well !#%$ girl, you know how to swoon a woman!" Caitlin grinned, leaning back against the cushion of the booth. "Sota,take care of Sleeves." The short girl nodded, sliding out of the booth as Caitlin got up from her seat. She then marched over to the bar, ordering more drinks whilst Sota went over to the shotgun toting lady.

"Saw it coming a mile away," Sota said dryly, pulling a clipboard and contract out of her bag. "Standard form. You receive payment when-" a sneeze "excuse me. We are not responsible for any accident or injury, fatal or otherwise, so on and so forth." She twirled pen in hand, tapping it lightly against the woman's robo-arm. "You do your own repairs on this?" she asked, tilting her head as she handed the pen and clipboard over.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 11:01 pm 
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A woman sat in one of the booths, nursing a small glass of what appeared to be a blue, slightly smoking drink. She wore a deep purple robe, covering her face with the hood. The front of her robe was slightly open, revealing slightly casual clothes. Her arms had some markings on them, and she had a peculiar tattoo on her forehead, more like some kind of marking, barely visible under her hood and her hair.

She shook her head at the nonsense that had just occurred, returning to her drink. She was more engaged in what appeared to be a small piece of a torn, faded, ragged map. She slowly ran her hand over it, and the details of the map lit up slightly. She leaned to the left slightly, copying the map down on another map, filling in the missing spots, making notes on some of the details.

This was it. She knew that this last piece of map was going to lead to one of the greatest archaeological finds ever. But more importantly, it would lead to one of the last remaining untouched magic deposits in the world. She looked at the finished map, and rolled it up, tucking it into a small bag in her robe. She looked back at the patrons of the bar, frowning. She had a map, but no way to navigate the seas. She needed to...

She then sipped her drink again, looking back to the idiots yelling about being gruff and joining a crew. Yes, this would work. She scanned the bar, and her eyes settled on the Captain. And then she did a little spit-take.

God !#%$ not HER. She pulled down her hood and continued to try and be inconspicuous.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 11:23 pm 
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Through the haze of his despair, Jeffrey observed the feat of horrible and pointless brutality that occurred.

Holy !#%$. Whoa buddy. I mean...look at that? Can we maybe evaluate that in more detail?

He looked over at his shoulder, wondering where the voice was coming from. Oh, there's nothing there.

Yeah. Invisible voice in your head. Sorry to break it to you like this, but you're probably insane. Apologies.

Oh, is that all? I thought I was dead! Jeffrey laughed to himself. And then kept laughing for a while. Anyways, strange blue disembodied voice in my brain, what's all this about evaluating?

Look, I know what you're thinking. Life sucks, you've had a really terrible day, you were married to a drug-fueled figment of your imagination. It happens to all of us. There's no need to sign up for a life of brutal buccaneering and become a blight upon the world because of it.

Yo dawg, !#%$ that !#%$. Blow it all up!

Um...

Make that definitely insane.

Oh, right, carry on. He laughed again.

Yo man !#%$ all that blue !#%$ talk. Don't wanna be a blight? Goddamn man, are you stupid? Look at that word! Blight. Really feel it. It !#%$ rhymes with alright. And tight. As in goddamn all this booty I be gettin is tight. You dig where I'm at, dawg?

Uh huh.

No! That's not even a rational argument! Who cares what it rhymes with?! You know what else rhymes with bright? Fight! As in, all the horrible violent fights that are going to majorly !#%$ up your life.

Heh. He said !#%$.

Really now. Really. Really? We're going down that route, hmm? ...Don't listen to him, pal, he's going to lead you astray.

Yeah, dawg, astray onto the giant pile of !#%$ that's gonna be waiting on that pirate boat! Haven't you read anything about pirates, bro? They're practically swimmin' in !#%$ and money all the time. In the Pirate Bible, I'm bettin' like half of the pages are like 'Get ye some !#%$ and money all up in this poopdeck!'

No. For your information, I haven't read anything about pirates. For that matter, neither have you. Or him. You want to know why? Because we have collectively been in the debilitating grip of shroom-based shower products for a period of time that I am not rationally prepared to think about because of the last round of poor choices that has consistently characterized our life. And furthermore-

Hey, guys, this is getting a little complicated. Can you just save the arguing for later? I'm gonna go break that really big wine bottle over there over the bartender's face and stab him in the groin with the broken pointy end.

Oh, alright, just make sure to have fun while you- WAIT NO

And with that Jeffrey was off to the races, if by racing you mean staggering through several broken ligaments and his general all-consuming sense of depression over towards the bar, where he turned to a gentleman holding an extremely large wine bottle (actually a jug), mumbled out, "I'll have one of that," and snatched it from his hands, placing in return a bar of soap with some incredibly suspect hairs on it. He crooned out, "Hey barkeep, how much is the going rate for a pound of flesh?!" After uttering these words of wisdom, he turned to another guy, glared at him, and broke the jug over his immaculately pompadoured face, promptly thereafter snatching his drink, and chugging it. With a vigorous sigh of approval of the beverage, which was for show because it tasted like !#%$, he said, "I think I've made my p-"

You dumbass!

Cut off, he turned awkwardly in the direction of the recruiting pirate lady. What? I thought you were the one who-

That wasn't even the bartender at all.

Oh. Well. Um.

High five, !#%$!

And so Jeffrey epically high-fived the space next to his head. Yeeeeeeeeah!


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 3:26 am 
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A woman walked into the room, and there were two things most people noticed. In fact, some didn't even notice the second thing. However, it was certainly noticed in this order.

1. She was rather well endowed. Even people who normally did not stare at women felt their eyes compelled to land upon her chest.

2. She was a demon. Rather obviously so, with skin as red as blood and horns as black as soot.

From these features, one might gather that this wench was a seductress. One might even call her a succubus. This was only partially correct. Despite her appearance, mentally, she was more a kin to a regular girl. She hated how anytime she walked by a man, or the occasional woman, they would begin to cry out, "Oh no, a lusty succubus is trying to make me bed with the devil. Oh noooo," as their pants would conveniently fall off. When she tried to ignore them, all she heard were hushed and desperate whispers of 'Pleeeease.' For reasons such as this, she decided that she would try her hardest not to show an ounce of skin on her body. From then on it was only the most covering of sweaters and long skirts. However because of her netherworldly affliction, this never stopped the kind of unwanted attention she attracted.

So here she is, in a bar full of people compelled by her devilish charms in front of a violent budding pirate crew, trying to escape the attention she is surrounded by now more than ever by fleeing from land to sea.

This strange, otherworldly woman puts a foot on a chair and the swish of her skirt causes one thousand hearts to pound and when she rolls back a sleeve of her sweater and holds her arm out as if to show off muscles her petite frame could never hide people to stare at that exposed skin and hoping there is more where that came from. Visibly, anyone not effected could tell she was nervous and shaking. She stammered as she spoke, afraid for her life, "A-arrg. I-I'm the g-gruffest p-pirate girl a-around."

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 4:23 am 
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"Oh, yeah." Sleevey McGee replied to Sota, "I made this thing, I literally know it inside and out, works wonders, and yeah, I'm not about to complain about health risks of all goddamn things as a pirate. Name's Cevell, by the way. That's with a "C," not an "S," and two "L"s." she pointed out, quite literally, as she tapped her finger on the clipboard with the corrections, a very smug look on her face.

It was at that moment that Cevell noticed that nervous succubus woman over there. Sticking two fingers from her considerably-more-organic hand in her mouth, Cevell let out a loud whistle, firing her shotgun-arm into the ceiling in excitement, fist-pump-reloading it once again. Sliding on up to the demon, not unlike how she slid up to the Captain, and put her metal arm over her shoulders, snapping her fleshy hand as she spoke, "Damn, girl, you are looking fiiine." Cevell looked the girl up and down, apparently quite pleased with what she saw. "So, what brings a..." she began, giggling a bit before being able to continue, "...gruff individual like you to a place like this?"


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 4:46 am 
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If her face were not already red, it would be. She looked to the floor and tried not to freak out. Oh god that blast probably drew even more attention. And when lady-folk give a man's attention to me, it seems to put all those men in even more of a rut. There's got to be something I can do... I'll just answer her question for now I guess...

"I'm just a pirate looking for adventure on the high sea," She said weakly, "Arrg."

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:09 am 
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Caitlin looked the succubus up and down, taking a moment to sip her beer. She turned away suddenly, waving her hand in the air. "Look at this green-horn. I haven't seen anyone this nervous since my uncle had lunch with my mother and I." Looking back at the girl, Caitlin stepped towards her, leaning down to meet her eye to eye. "Listen kid, you don't have what it takes. Not yet at least," she frowned, hesitant before continuing. "Still, a succubus would be useful. We can manage around your...mmmm...lack of confidence." She leaned away, jabbing her thumb at Sota. "Talk to her. And for !#%$'s sake; don't disappoint me."
A clipboard quickly found its way into the succubus' hands as Sota examined the creature girl demon monster woman charmer thing. "I'm assuming you'll be needing a private room? Strange." She shook her head, moving herself between Cevell and the gruffest of succubi. "Remember to fill out any special needs at the bottom. I don't have the time to figure this all out at the moment."

Suddenly and without warning, Caitlin was behind the insane man. "You're lucky the succubus walked in when she did, or I'm sure your face would be full of glass. I can already tell you're a time-bomb all set to go off." She poked the side of Jeffery's head, giving him a stern look. "You did a fine job giving that waste of space a new face, though. If you're looking for a ship, we'll cautiously take you in." Caitlin stepped back, swishing her bangs out of her eyes as she took a gulp of her drink. "It's like I'm taking anyone who talks to me." She wandered off to some odd corner of the bar then, mumbling about how she was going to regret all these new hires sooner or later.
"When was the last time you had a psychological examination?" Sota's voice piqued up beside Jeffrey, who found himself suddenly holding onto a clipboard. "For that matter, when was the last time you had a medical examination?" Biting her lip, she moved away from him, rubbing her nose.

"Now what do we have here?" Caitlin smiled, a glean in her eye. She fell into a seat at the robed woman's booth, grinning at her. "I'm sorry, have we met before? I bet we've met before." She tapped one hand on the table while making circles around the rim of mug with the other.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:19 am 
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Cevell giggled some more at that response, nearly snorting as she tried her best to hold it back. "That's..." she started, letting out another small giggle, "...that's great, hun. And you've already got the job, apparently, congratulations. However, as she said, you're... a little bit of a wreck, so take this." With that, Cevell slammed the drink she had stolen earlier down in front of Hellgirl. Despite her previous comment, it was actually some pretty strong whiskey, having quite the pungent smell. "You need it a Hell of a lot more than I do." she finished, being unable to keep back another giggle.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:28 am 
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The girl quickly and quietly filled out the form. Since when do pirates do paper work? Though she doesn't know !#%$ about that since shes not actually a pirate SHE MEANS IN THIS REGION, SHE RULES MANY OTHER SEAS, SHE SWEARS.

The name on the paper said Alicia Pirateus McGruff.

Yeah, seems legit.

After she handed back the clipboard and looked at the drink set in front of her.

She didn't want to think what might happen if she drank too much. She never drank much especially not around other people, at least, not anymore. Though she also did not want people to think she was not much of a pirate. After all, real pirates can handle their liquor and they drink all the time. She thought. So I'll have to suck it up and prove my worth. Alicia slammed back the drink and then made a disgusted look as she felt the burning sensation in the back of her throat and then began going into a fit of coughing.

"It's great," she said.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:37 am 
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The robed character looked at Caitlin, looking a little more than aggravated. She then sighed and leaned back a bit, sipping her drink. "When I heard you were coming back into port to pick up some more idiots to get killed, I cursed my luck. Of course, the one time I decide to come out of hiding to try and find..." The woman stopped herself, then sipped her drink again, looking away from Caitlin. The light hit her face better, and Caitlin could clearly make out who it was behind that cloak.

The woman turned back to the Captain, sighing. "Might as well just get it over with. I had no intention of going back to my cave anyway, the people in town were going there to burn me for being a 'horrid witch.'" She sighed, putting the glass against her head. "I really wanted to avoid you after the whole incident with..." She sighed again, putting the glass down. She looked at Caitlin and tapped her finger on the table.

"I get a first mate cabin, you don't touch any of my magic books or go through my bag, and that little monster you keep around stops trying to apply science to my magic." She finished her drink, then raised her finger. "AND. You don't mention any past relationship we may or may not have had, that may or may not have resulted in you having magical burns for a week and me being cursed with awful luck on the full moon."

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